holy cow

well.....two hours of word vomit into the good ol' screenwriter program and i think i actually have a tangible idea for what my thesis film could be about. it is a really fucking huge idea. i mean really huge. it all came out of an idea for a sonsg that i also just got tonight. because i keep joking that i want my thesis film to be a rock opera, my mind jumped to see if i could throw a story on top of how i wanted the song to be structed. i have no clue whatsoever if i will be able to read it tomorrow, or if i will be able to see straight in 4 minutes if i keep looking at this screen but i need to get some sleep now. i feel so awesome and inspired now:) this is a rediculously good feeling.
  • Current Music
    the good life: an acquaintance strikes a chord

by the end of this entry i will be fucked up....

So ya, tonight is my night to be stupid dramatic. Tonight is the night I found out my ex-girlfriend has a new boyfriend that she just spent the weekend with in San Diego. And don't get scared, I'm just getting stoned. Kinda funny to have that thought, in two days, January 11th that is, I will be four years without the alcohol. You know, I still do not miss it one bit at all. I like not having a bar bill, and I like being able to drive safely home (some of you know why i prefer that one) and i like remembering every night that i am out.

So ya, now I have a really strong reason to not think about her again. so bizarre to have missed her so much while i was home. i mean shit, it has been almost 4 months now. it was just so nice being home. so many places that just calm and center me, and i just kept wishing she was there with me. i ran around taking pictures and thought she would have really enjoyed where i would have taken her. i got them developed and thought about how impressed she would be. i honestly think they are amazing. or at least a good portion of the 12 rolls i shot are.

i am now really glad that i didn't go to her documentary screening. they worked on one together. but they've been really close friends since we all got here. she always refered to him as her younger brother. i always saw in his eyes that he really liked her. she asked me if i was jealous of him near the end of our relationship because of how much time they had to spend together. i was too head over heals to think i had anything to worry about. he will be good for her. he is a really nice and kind hearted guy. he is a little to stupid-goofy humor for me sometimes but overall a good guy. and he will be really good to her. (here is where i pretend to be a lot stronger than i am) I mean after all, all I did want for her was to be happy and safe. honestly ya.

it is kind of weird though, i mean i am still me so i cried a bit on the drive home from the bar (it was my friend's birthday, speaking of which mine is in just over two weeks, the 26th), and i am still upset and almost still just shocked about who it is. but it is almost like part of me is saying, "Well fuck.....who is next I guess? not like shit can be done now." it has been creeping up on me and grew a lot a couple hours ago. i mean, it's not like me telling her about how much i still think about her on my birthday while in a bowling alley in a really grand fashion would have won her over if she came out and i had the chance. you know, not like i'd made that scenario up in my perfect world imagination. wow, i am such a terrible hopeless romantic. ".....and then she kisses me and i grab her pulling her in tight....." see? total homo! oh ya, mark your calenders if you can make it. should be fun. and i won't be inviting her or kwok. i'd like my head clear and me genuinely smiling and enjoying myself and seeing them won't help at all. eh, what the fuck can be done now ya know?

so ya, who is next?

"you bring the drinks, i'll bring the fuck you's." - owen
  • Current Music
    owen: everyone feels like you

my christmas break

aaron krueger, katie klein, mrs. klein (katie's mom drunk and she kissed me like 5 times. RIGHT ON THE LIPS!), skippy, lauren brick, mike and beth connor, keith "penguin walk" babaisz, brian and emily bawol, brian and crystal deleon (she is pregnant!), mrs. spitsbergen, Katie (skippy's -ex), adam wright, chris , jon filak, mike healy, matt healy (while very drunk he told me to call him when i'm horny. why do the gay men from farmington like me?), mike dolhaufer, brad and kerry dolhaufer, robbie and erin shawn, sam walton, kevin and libby and mark from "you should be melting" (the last band i played in at MSU), erin and eric and maggie (our groupies), scott and lindsey miller (best cousins ever!), the parka kings, cecil robert gingerich, jeanne schueller (is it weird i talk to an old boss from 3 years ago still?), rick copen, alison (SHE IS AN EX-SUICIDE GIRL!!!), john weins, justin bilicki, dave graw, steve schweik.

i saw all those people while i was home. a friend of mine said you never really go on vacation when you just go home. i agree. you just run around like a chicken with no head. and now i miss them. also, I NEVER ONCE SAW SNOW ON THE GROUND!!!!

chicago for new years was fucking awesome.

bought my first new pair of ear rings in like 4 years!

saw the annie leibovitz exhibit at the DIA. it was awesome. still open for two more days and well worth the 10 bucks.
  • Current Music
    song for grandma

....in other news

i'm still such a fucking mess about this girl. i correctly guessed her birthday on my first guess i found out, and then she told me it was wrong and i believed her. i tried to give her, her present the night before but didn't end up getting it to her until two days after. not that i knew it was that day anyways. she called me and thanked me again and again and told me how sweet i was after she found the gift. later that day she gives me a thank you card with a really nice note in it. in what she wrote she said my genuine kindness made her cry. and also that she isn't sure she really deserves it. she also took the gift i gave her, paint and paint brushes, and painted a picture of my cat and i on the inside of the card. when i saw and looked at that i cried. that was a week ago now. no real contact with her since except to talk about our class project. seriously though, i am crying now, one month after the fact, more than i was then. it is really draining how much i miss her.

also, ten hours of editing work that i did this weekend got lost. everyone who knows everything about this program and the computers i was working on was completely stumped. i had a good amount still to do. so my dialogue mix is tomorrow and i've already been working for 7 hours and i'm almost caught up to where i was before. and then i will still have a good amount to do. i TA a class tomorrow morning at 8am. i'm honestly thinking of just sleeping on the couch in the TA lounge. Hopefully someone will find me and wake me in the morning. this would also probably go a lot faster if i could stop crying.

i am so tired and upset right now. i need about the biggest 10 minute long hug a guy could get right now for starters. and of course my mind goes to her. and she does owe me a big hug because she got one from me since she ended it. i held her really tight and rubbed her back for about a minute. she burrowed into me and literally said, "this is always so comforting" with her eyes closed. i honestly don't think i'd get anything close to that right now from her. that is really upsetting to me. she has been able to do it before, but right now with the rest of the stuff in my head i'd just be suspicious and it would do no good for me.

this is the fucking circle that i am running right now. lovely huh?
  • Current Music
    damien jurado: montesano

it has been a week now. and...

i miss you. i hope you keep your sanity during this crazy semester as I'm trying to. mainly though, i just miss you.


i saw an amazing group on Thursday night called "damien jurado." such beautiful music, and fortunately/unfortunately the tone fits the moods i've been in lately. i really love this guy's playing and vocal style. so somber and sad. here are my favorite lyrics thus far:

"in a landslide, i can hear you. hear you walk away."
  • Current Mood
    sad sad

wow!

i got an 'A' in my screenwriting class for god knows what reason, though she did really like my humor. and i got an 'A-" in my production class. we have both been encouraged to send out films out to festivals by our professors so i'm very excited at the thought that some people may see it. i mean, it's not the best thing ever, but i am very proud of my work.
  • Current Music
    maps music

i'm alive

just thought i'd let the people who still update and read these things know. i'm working for the sound department all summer and taking a few classes that seem pretty awesome. i'm also recording a couple songs that a friend of mine wrote with him. his name is john norwood if you feel like hearing his older stuff on myspace. those songs are from an open mic night that he played so this is his first time trying to really record everything all seperately. he's good i think and i like his sense of humor. he writes really simple but really pretty songs.
  • Current Music
    owen: who found who's hair in who's bed?

IT HAS LANDED!!!!

Earlier tonight my partner Jonathan Bernbaum and I got picture locked for my first film called, "Kittens and Beer Bongs." Craziness.....I'm really in film school huh?

now all i have to do is write the music and do the audio mixing. tonight i start on the music....i have two weeks.....that is forever in my eyes.


OH YA!!!

Do you live in the LA area? Do you like movies? Do you want to see mine premier on the big screen in Norris Theatre on campus? Well then come out here on March 10th (thats a friday) and from 5:00-6:30pm if you come out to USC's campus you can see my film. Thats right, you can see my film shown on the huge big screen. I'm pissing myself with anticipation.