January 9th, 2007

by the end of this entry i will be fucked up....

So ya, tonight is my night to be stupid dramatic. Tonight is the night I found out my ex-girlfriend has a new boyfriend that she just spent the weekend with in San Diego. And don't get scared, I'm just getting stoned. Kinda funny to have that thought, in two days, January 11th that is, I will be four years without the alcohol. You know, I still do not miss it one bit at all. I like not having a bar bill, and I like being able to drive safely home (some of you know why i prefer that one) and i like remembering every night that i am out.

So ya, now I have a really strong reason to not think about her again. so bizarre to have missed her so much while i was home. i mean shit, it has been almost 4 months now. it was just so nice being home. so many places that just calm and center me, and i just kept wishing she was there with me. i ran around taking pictures and thought she would have really enjoyed where i would have taken her. i got them developed and thought about how impressed she would be. i honestly think they are amazing. or at least a good portion of the 12 rolls i shot are.

i am now really glad that i didn't go to her documentary screening. they worked on one together. but they've been really close friends since we all got here. she always refered to him as her younger brother. i always saw in his eyes that he really liked her. she asked me if i was jealous of him near the end of our relationship because of how much time they had to spend together. i was too head over heals to think i had anything to worry about. he will be good for her. he is a really nice and kind hearted guy. he is a little to stupid-goofy humor for me sometimes but overall a good guy. and he will be really good to her. (here is where i pretend to be a lot stronger than i am) I mean after all, all I did want for her was to be happy and safe. honestly ya.

it is kind of weird though, i mean i am still me so i cried a bit on the drive home from the bar (it was my friend's birthday, speaking of which mine is in just over two weeks, the 26th), and i am still upset and almost still just shocked about who it is. but it is almost like part of me is saying, "Well fuck.....who is next I guess? not like shit can be done now." it has been creeping up on me and grew a lot a couple hours ago. i mean, it's not like me telling her about how much i still think about her on my birthday while in a bowling alley in a really grand fashion would have won her over if she came out and i had the chance. you know, not like i'd made that scenario up in my perfect world imagination. wow, i am such a terrible hopeless romantic. ".....and then she kisses me and i grab her pulling her in tight....." see? total homo! oh ya, mark your calenders if you can make it. should be fun. and i won't be inviting her or kwok. i'd like my head clear and me genuinely smiling and enjoying myself and seeing them won't help at all. eh, what the fuck can be done now ya know?

so ya, who is next?

"you bring the drinks, i'll bring the fuck you's." - owen
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